You Are Not Owed a Second Date
Sometimes when you know, you know.
I’ve been dating people on and off for a few years now. Being the anxious and introverted person that I am, I always ask myself why I’m putting myself through first dates. I feel like dying every single time. And for what? As of now, none of those experiences have led to a long-term relationship. Then again, none of them turned out to be horror stories either. I attribute that to both luck and my overly-prudent character.
As I’m getting more dating experience, I find that my instincts are getting sharper. I don’t need that much time to figure out if a guy is right for me. I tend not to lead guys on for long like I might have done when I was a little younger. However, I often fear that my instincts prevent me from getting to know someone based on assumptions induced by my anxious brain, which are not always accurate nor helpful. This is why I like to give guys the benefit of the doubt when it comes to dating. I usually agree to a second date even if the first one wasn’t that great. As of now, this technique has never really made me change my mind on someone, but it does make me more comfortable with my decision.
That being said, sometimes when you know, you know.
I’ve been on the receiving end of this as well. I don’t really make a big deal out of getting ghosted after one or two dates (for some reason, guys never tell me upfront they’re not interested). Personally, I prefer telling people that I am not interested in dating them anymore if they are still showing interest in dating me. The few guys I’ve had to send this not-so-fun message all took it well and moved on with their lives.
Unfortunately, that was not the case for a friend of mine. She went on one 1-hour uncomfortable date with this guy she met on Tinder who thought he just had the best date of his life. I don’t know the full details of what went down on this date, but I trust my friend that it was enough for her to decide not to see that guy ever again. She had to send him a polite text telling him so, to which he replied something along the lines of “you bitches are all the same, you never take the time to get to know us, it’s all about appearances for you”, yadda-yadda-yadda.
For some reason, I think we’ve all heard this story before.
A man and a woman go on a date. It’s a fantastic night for one; horrible for the other. We don’t know much about the rest of the story, but it does seem like they did not even go on the same date. So, who’s right?
It’s the uncomfortable person. That’s the person between the two who’s more self-aware.
Self-awareness is everything. It comes with healthy doubts, caution, and humility. It brings you back down to Earth.
I get it, we’re so nervous on first dates sometimes and we accidentally leave our self-awareness at home. It’s an all-too-common mistake, for both men and women. We go into a first date with expectations for the other person, but also for how the person is going to react to us. We all like to think that we are just so awesome, interesting, and attractive. We all like to think that we are worthy of everything good out there and that we deserve the best relationship with the best partner. But that’s not how it works. For the vast majority of people, we’re not even close to being that perfect someone. And the vast majority of people are not a perfect match for us either.
That’s just the way it is. So, why pretend and waste each other’s time?
Guys like my friend dated that one time are one of the worst kinds of guys out there.
They were made to believe that one day, someone would love them for who they are, unconditionally. They might not be attractive, or intelligent, or resourceful, or a particularly good person, but oh, one day, the entire world would see just what was waiting for them right around the corner…
But now they’re entitled assholes. Now they think it’s everyone else’s fault they can’t get into a relationship.
And this is the kind of toxic attitude that repulses everyone. Are there women out there who actually want to put up with that BS?
There are a lot of things I don’t like about the current dating culture, but even some of its worst aspects come with a bright side. While it might be damaging to be exposed to so many options through online dating, it can also remind people that do not have to make a choice between putting up with someone’s BS and dying alone. No one should feel forced to get into a relationship with someone that displays such a toxic attitude. Well, no one should feel forced to get into a relationship with anyone, period.
But that’s not just a problem for entitled assholes. We should all let go of this idea that we deserve a second date with everyone we meet. At this stage of a relationship, no one should owe anyone anything. And that includes their time.
Also, after a single date, a rejection should not feel too personal. Laugh it off, cry a little if your expectations were too high, then move on. This certainly does not define who you are. Because, chances are, like most people, you will face this kind of “unfair” rejection many times. You can’t expect to always be wanted. In fact, one could argue that you should always believe the opposite.
As for me, who’s still struggling with an anxious brain and high expectations, my solution is to practice openness — and a sort of modesty.
Here’s my technique. I tend not to say no to a second date, as I’ve mentioned, but I try not to expect it either. I just keep the door open. If a guy is interested in me, just like I am in him, one of us (usually the guy first, in my experience) will reach out after the first date and things will naturally progress to a second date. If a guy does not reach out for me within a day after the first date, I can already tell he’s not that interested in me. But I still send him a message in case he was busy or did not know what to tell me. Usually, the conversation fizzles out pretty quickly and I have my answer. He did not even have to reject me directly. How convenient is that?
And I don’t feel the need to beat myself up. I trust that my instincts were right and I trust that their rejection, no matter how expected or significant, is in fact a blessing in disguise. I don’t feel cursed. We were clearly not meant to be.
The entitled assholes may think the same way and keep deflecting their own shortcomings, but at least, in the meantime, they’re not lashing out on some poor girl who was considerate enough to let them know they’re not Mr. Right for them.
In a way, this kind of attitude of low expectations is a win for everyone.
Though there’s something else you should know about that whole story with my friend and the asshole she dated that one time.
She admitted to me that they had been texting for a while before they decided to meet for the first time.
This left plenty of time for her to get a little attached to the guy… and for the guy to get much more attached to her.
But there’s only so much you can actually know from a person through their written words. None of that can lead to an accurate representation of anyone, ever. And that’s how budding relationships come crashing down when concrete reality replaces idealist, abstract descriptions.
Now, for someone like me, that’s a curse disguised as a blessing.
And that makes for a whole different story…